We've all probably sang the song "I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart" and that's what I want to talk about today. Before I share my story, I'd like to share the details of this week's
Stampin Sisters in Christ Challenge!
Hostess:
My great friend and uber talented sister in Christ,
PeggySue
Scripture:
John 16:33 (NIV) "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have
peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the
world."
Challenge:
Make a card that to you represents peace or calm; with an image, color scheme,
CAS layout or verse, something that speaks peace to you, but peace symbols
themselves are excluded. The card has to speak peace through your own style.
Sponsor:
Daydream Designs - one participant will win a $20 voucher for the store!
You're going to want to win this one! Daydream Designs has the most wonderful creations!
Here is the card I made for this week's challenge:
WARNING: I'VE BEEN TOLD TO WARN YOU TO GRAB A BOX OF KLEENEX BEFORE CONTINUING! (don't say I didn't warn you!)
The story behind my card...
When I was 21 I gave birth to a
healthy, very happy baby boy. He was awesome! I was young. I raised him as a
single mother for almost 10 years. I did my best, but I certainly didn't give him
as much understanding as I could have. I loved the little guy beyond anyone
I've loved before, but I wasn't able to enjoy all the little things about him
growing. I didn't understand that I needed to enjoy those things. Sometimes he
just got in my way and made things difficult for me. My mom and my friend's mom
babysat, a lot, so I could enjoy "adult time" My friends were always
at our house and I never quite was able to give him undivided attention as a
mother should from time to time. We did have a lot of fun, though! But someone
was always with us when we were having fun. He loved the times when I didn't go
out and I stayed home with him. We rented movies and ate pizza and chips and
dip and soda and ice cream. This is something we still enjoy together once in a
while and yes, not long ago my 17 year old son laid in my room watching Mary
Poppins with me on a Sunday afternoon, at his request! lol I wasn't feeling
well and it was a sweet moment with him. Anyway, fast forward through his
little life to 9 when mommy met someone she loved and decided to get married.
My husband and I married in April 2005 (right year husband? lol) and in October
he adopted my son to be his own. October 6th to be exact. It's now called
"Phelps Family Day" and we always celebrate that day in some way.
This year it was just a nice dinner with our now 18 year old with an attitude,
and his grandparents of 7 years, but we still celebrated, because it was
important to us.
Now is the next chapter of the
story-our quest for another child. When we got married we started trying to
have a baby right away. Neither of us was very young anymore! (remember when 30
used to be old? ha!) We had failed attempt after failed attempt, precancerous
cells to deal with and medicine to regulate and all that fun stuff. It's really
not fun. It puts a lot of pressure on a relationship when dealing with
infertility. It was as much my body's issues as it is possibly my husband's
(he's never been officially checked, because if my body isn't working right
there is no need to test him, yet) So, needless to say, our relationships have
suffered some. Not just my husband's and mine, but with our son and families
and with our friends. I became very bitter and jealous about every pregnancy
around me. It's kind of hard to throw yourself into a friend's baby shower when
you wish so bad that it was you. There were many tears shed and lots of make up
used before these showers. Of course it's hard to look happy when you're dying
inside! For the last several years I've been very sad and felt not worthy since
it wasn't happening for us. I've even been regretting the way I raised my son,
missing all the times when he was little and I could have been a better mom.
Times I wish I could go back and enjoy him. Earlier this year someone called us
telling us there was a baby in need and wanted to know if we'd be interested.
We were floored that someone would think of us in this situation. Once the
shock wore off and prayers were said and talking done with mentors, we decided
that, "yes, we WOULD be interested in caring for this little one and
becoming her parents." After about 2 weeks of talking to the
"go-between" and waiting and planning and getting the "run
around" I finally said, "look, if this isn't going to happen, I need
to know, my heart is too involved" and they finally came clean and said
that the person with the little one only wanted money and not really to give
the child. I was devastated. That is when I really became bitter. I was so
hurt. I thought God had REALLY let me down this time and that He must think I
was so unworthy of a child that He would allow people who abuse children to
have them, but not me. I must have really screwed up with raising my son that
He wouldn't trust me with another one. Or that He was punishing me for my previous lifestyle. Let's fast forward to just last month. A
friend of my husband's has a rough life. She is an alcoholic and disabled and
tends to become involved with real winners of guys. She's the mother of 3
lovely children, whom she doesn't even have living with her because she can
barely take care of herself, let alone 3 kids, too! There is more to her
situation that I will not go into, but if you're a prayer warrior, please
remember this lady in your prayers. She can use them! Anyway, she became
pregnant. She didn't know what she was going to do, so she asked my husband if
he and I would consider adopting her baby (which was really babies!) because
her boyfriend wanted her to get an abortion and she didn't want to. So, after
much prayer and discussion, we decided that it would be best for the babies if
we would take care of them after they were born. We had apprehension about
this, we knew there would likely be issues with the little ones but wanted
something for her children that she could not give them - a loving, stable
home. Well, needless to say, her boyfriend got to her and those little babies
are with the best Father they could ever ask for and they are in Jesus' loving
arms. Heartbreak for us - again! I began asking questions about why we couldn't
do this, what was so wrong with us and why God didn't want us to have children!
Once I "got over" that issue, for that day anyway, we began to talk
about what our life was really going to look like. We still want a baby, but it
doesn't look like that is going to happen. In my mind, we needed to make a
decision - Are we going to keep waiting and hoping for it to happen or are we
finally going to move on with our lives and live as if we're done with our
child rearing years? My husband, who has been a rock for us during these times,
says we need to pray about it. My question...how long do we pray about it? When
do we make a decision to live our lives? I won't go into the rest of the
discussion we had, but we were still in a quandary about the situation but knew
we had to make a decision and I was quite frustrated, even angry about it all.
We were planning on visiting with the Pastor soon to try to get some answers.
In Sunday School the following morning, we were discussing Nehemiah and his
decision to rebuild Jerusalem. One thing they were asking is "how long do
we pray" the answer came to them just as simply as it came to us that day
"pray until you have peace" Wow. We almost lost it right then, but
the Pastor kept teaching as Chris and I were struggling to keep our emotions
under control. I don't remember the rest of the lesson, but other questions I
had asked the day before were answered, just as simply as the one about
praying. I left church after SS and my husband and son stayed. I cried all the
way home and talked to God. IT WAS AN AMAZING TIME! After lunch, Chris and I
talked and prayed A LOT. We came to a decision and we had the most peace we've
ever had! We know the desire of our heart is to have a baby and we're not going
to keep our lives on hold waiting for it to happen. We're going to "pray
for rain and build our ark" lol I don't think and I can convey the perfect
peace I have about our decision. My friend, Jennifer, says "you can see
it" on my face when I talk about it. I truly believe that God is going to
give us our baby and I believe this is going to happen through a private
adoption. I also believe that if His plan is something else for me, I am at
peace with that, too. I am at peace because I'm ready for HIS will to be done
in my life and not mine. I also have faith that He will give me the desires of
my heart because I'm His. I have a "peace that passes understanding"
I can feel it from my head to my toes and I can feel it as well as see it in my
eyes and my smile. There's no longer a sad little smile, it's filled with joy
and overcoming. Now, there are still going to be trials, of this I am sure and
there already have been, but I have faith like I've never had before and a God
that loves me more than I'll ever know. I am worthy to be a mother and my
dreams and desires are important. THIS, my friends, is what peace looks like to
me, finally. With or without another child, I have the peace that passes
understanding down in my heart.
Oh, BTW, we are "building our ark" by redoing one of our offices to make a guest room that will be easily converted into a nursery with a simple change of a bed (we're putting a twin size bed in there so my mom can enjoy the room until it's needed for the nursery). We're also planning and preparing a list of things we know we'll need and we're planning the purchase of those things. We've started a savings plan and will be doing some fundraisers to raise money for the adoption fees.
I believe if you truly have faith, you must take action as though it IS going to happen.
Please join us in prayer for our baby.
I will post updates as we have them.
May God bless you today and may you find peace that passes all understanding in your life.
~H
